


hold all our secrets

by pendules



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 05:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3965674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's probably the worst time. But maybe they're running out of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hold all our secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Based on _Spaces_ and everything that's happened in the last couple months.

"You okay?" Harry asks him, after, because it's the thing to do, it's been five years, they were in love and then they weren't. He was the one who introduced them in the first place and that's so ridiculous to think about now. Harry can hardly remember any of them being those people.

"Yeah, it'll be fine," he says.

Maybe Harry wants to say something else, something they're not supposed to acknowledge, something dangerous.

Maybe he wants to say, _I'm not sorry._

It was awkward for a long while, but they're finally getting back to a good place. He's not going to ruin it. Not now. This isn't going to change anything.

*

Three days later, it all goes to hell.

*

They all read the statement in a hotel room in Jakarta and then it's live, it's out there in the world, there's no going back. And then Louis quickly slips out of the room without even looking at any of them.

Niall looks at Liam, but he doesn't move. Anger has turned into guilt has turned into helplessness.

Harry does what he hasn't been able to do in ages (and _everything_ has changed now; the rules are different) and follows him.

He finds him just standing in front of the elevator but he hasn't pressed the down button. He's just staring at the silver doors, lost and far away.

"It was supposed to be about us," Harry tells him quietly.

"What was?"

" _Spaces_. It wasn't supposed to be about the band; it was supposed to be about _us_."

Louis doesn't deny it, doesn't say anything at all.

*

The next few days are a weird kind of balancing act. Walking on a tightrope. It's like they all expect someone else to decide to follow Zayn's lead. Maybe they're waiting for one of them to say, "Let's just call it a day." It doesn't happen. There's just a lot of silence.

Harry looks at Louis as he stares into the distance at nothing in particular. They haven't talked about anything that wasn't business since that night in the hallway.

He wonders how long they have left.

*

The leg comes to an end and they're going their separate ways for a while and he's scared, suddenly, that something is going to be irrevocably broken in the time apart.

He knocks on his door.

"Can we talk?"

"Yeah, okay," Louis says, looking kind of startled.

"I just feel like maybe this should have brought us closer together, but it feels like everything's just fucked-up instead."

Louis sighs. "I don't think any of us know how to deal with this."

And yeah, maybe it was unfair, they were blindsided. But… _We should have known_.

"I keep thinking that maybe…maybe this is our last chance." 

Louis' eyes light up with comprehension.

"Harry, we've talked about this —" he says, sounding tired, frustrated.

But fuck, Harry's tired of all the bullshit too.

"You've had excuses for the last five years. What's your excuse now?" he demands.

"Harry, we can't —"

"Why not? Give me a real reason."

"There's just — there's too much stuff happening."

"This isn't about the band. This is about you and me."

"Without this band, there wouldn't be _you and me_. It wouldn't exist."

"And after?"

"What _after_?" Louis spits out bitterly. 

Harry just stares at him for a moment before walking out the door.

*

He watches the whole trainwreck on twitter. He knows Louis's just looking to blame it on someone, something, trying to make sense of it; he's just venting his frustration where someone can see and hear. It's how he copes. He knows they've probably sorted it out in private, but it's probably still not enough.

Harry just sends a one-word text. 

_sorry_

Because he hasn't said it, because Louis needs it, because he doesn't know how to tell him that Zayn stills loves him although he left. Sometimes it just happens like that, and it makes no fucking sense, but people rarely ever do.

He doesn't look at his phone again that night.

*

They're backstage at James' show when Louis just pulls him in, presses him close to his body and breathes deeply against his neck, like he hasn't taken a single breath in weeks and weeks.

*

Louis falls asleep next to him on the way to Vegas, and he looks so young and vulnerable, and he's both heartbroken and grateful that he gets to see this side of him. That Louis trusts him enough to open himself up to him even when he's been hurt time and time again.

Harry's going to protect that trust with everything he has.

*

Louis kisses him (for real) for the first time at the afterparty. He tastes sweet and intoxicating, like champagne, like liquid starlight. It doesn't feel like it should though; it's not what he imagined. It feels like Louis's messed-up and he's just _there_. That's not what he wants this to be.

"We shouldn't," Harry says warningly.

"That's what I've been saying," Louis teases. There's something sad in his eyes though.

"We should go."

"Yeah, let's go back to your room."

"Not what I meant, but okay."

*

Louis falls asleep as soon as he hits Harry's bed. Harry takes his shoes off, wondering how they all came to this point.

*

When he wakes up, Louis's not there, and he groans, because maybe they fucked it up. Again. Maybe they're doomed.

Only then the door's opening and he reappears with coffee.

"I'm sorry about last night."

Harry sits up to look at him.

"You know, I love you. Like actually, properly love you." It's almost too easy to say it; it's been the truth for longer than he can remember. Nothing else has ever come close.

Louis shakes his head. "Maybe I don't deserve that."

"Why not?" Harry says as Louis sits at his feet on the bed.

"Because I couldn't make this last," he says quietly, like a confession of sin.

"Louis, it's not your fault —"

"Yeah, it is. I could've done something. He's always taken care of us when we needed it. I should've taken care of him."

"It's not on you —"

"Everyone fucking leaves."

"Is that it? You think I'm gonna leave?"

"Why would you want to _stay_?" he asks, incredulously.

"Because — because I love you. And I love Niall. And I love Liam. That hasn't changed."

"Have _we_ changed?"

"I don't know. I think maybe we just had to grow up after all."

"I love you too, you know," Louis says, playing with the sheets, not looking at him. "The same way."

"Isn't that kind of stupid?"

"Yeah, it is," Louis says, finally smiling at him. Bright and unburdened and exactly as it should be.


End file.
